Liberté | Pinot Noir

Variety/Blend: Pinot Noir Vintage: 2014 Alcohol: 13.5% Region: San Luis Obispo County Recommended Pairing: I Don’t Feel Like Dancing by Scissor Sisters Pinot Noir has a great reputation. Wine snobs love it. People who don’t know anything about wine love it. Titus Andromedon loves it. It’s the watered down charity drag show of wines! Don’t…

Avalon Chard | Chardonnay

Oaked Chardonnay is the basic white girl of the wine world. (Unoaked is a different monster altogether, but I’m saving her for another post.) But this wine is from Santa Barbara County. If you take a dumb grape and grow it in Santa Barbara County, suddenly it’s a woke grape, passing out BLM signs and protesting the DAPL.

Vin de Bordeaux | Sauvignon Blanc

I’m going to give you readers the same advice that I would give if you were opening a box of Girl Scout cookies—as soon as you open it, smell it. You’ll get some pleasant floral and fruity notes that vanish like a Trump tweet with a typo as soon as it gets oxidized. This wine doesn’t belong within ten feet of a decanter.

Dogajolo | Red Blend

It’s labeled as a red table wine, but this classy red blend ain’t no frumpy “pass the wine, Aunt Jo, you’ve had four glasses, and the main course hasn’t even come yet” table wine. This wine knows how to properly shave its asshole with just one mirror instead of two.

Vinjs | Vermentino

This wine tastes like someone sucked all the pee flavor out of a medium-bodied Sauvignon Blanc. And if you’ve read that one review I did about the pee flavors in Sauvignon Blanc, you’ll understand how sad I am to see them leave.

Javier San Pedro | Randez

Maybe it’s because it’s a Friday night after a really stressful, sweaty week or maybe it’s the patchouli foot scrub I used in the nightly biblical foot-washing I did earlier this evening, but this wine was giving me these pleasant, fruity, musky vibes that really made my engines purr (if you know what I’m sayin).

Grifone | Sangiovese

One time when I was a kid, I fell out of my grandma’s crabapple tree, and I landed in a layer of crabapple mush. This wine is what my hands smelled like after that for about a week.

Apothic | White Blend

Howdy, folks. I’m coming to you this evening from my bathtub. Why you ask? Think of it as immersive journalism–method acting but for wine. Allow me to explain:

Viña Zaco | Tempranillo

Let’s be real, Matthew McConaughey is too chill to be a red wine guy, but if he has ever had a red wine, it probably would have been this one. Probably while in a hammock. But probably not in Spain. And Camila Alves is just out of the shot, feeding him grapes.

Pine Ridge | White Blend

Visiting a winery’s website can tell you a lot about a wine, both literally and in more unexpected ways. The page for this wine describes it as “unusual,” which tells me that the winemakers are “delusional.”

The Wolftrap | Mourvèdre Blend

First appearances are important but inherently deceiving. This is true for both people and wine. This wine has secrets—dark ones, let me tell you. You might approach this wine calmly at first, but that would be a mistake. If this wine were talking to you on a dating app, the red flags should start going up after about five minutes of conversation.

Lois | Grüner Veltliner

I would like to formally apologize to the people of Germany for my previous post. This wine makes up for the Riesling Spätlese. Also the Holocaust was definitely worse than your wine labeling regulations.