Alcohol: 14% (yeaaaah boiiii)
Recommended Pairing: Matthew McConaughey
Let’s be real, Matthew McConaughey is too chill to be a red wine guy, but if he has ever had a red wine, it probably would have been this one. Probably while in a hammock. But probably not in Spain. And Camila Alves is just out of the shot, feeding him grapes.*
In the interest of transparency, I bought this wine because it had one of those Wine Enthusiast ratings. I’d never had a wine from a producer who gave two shits about Wine Enthusiast ratings, so I really couldn’t pass this up. It was a 94, I believe. A 94 that really wants to be a 100, pleeeeease, professor? I would have given it an 85-90.
Tempranillo means “early” in Spanish because it matures a little earlier than the other grapes grown in the Rioja region. And it’s worth noting that it has a diminutive ending. Remind you of a certain sultry, Southern actor? This wine is a little too big for its britches. It has dreams and ambitions that are way beyond what a wine made from a grape that means “little early” could possibly live up to. Hell, if you throw a comma in there, you’ve got a pretty succinct description of the last couple guys I’ve had sex with—little, early.
This wine is like those guys who start going to the gym to build up their biceps, but after a month, all they have are veiny arms. On the surface of this wine, there’s a scrappy wine whose charming and slight. But this wine isn’t quite happy with that. It wants to be bigger because no one told this wine that being an 85-90 was acceptable.
Normally I would tell you to give this wine ten years, and it will come to terms with its body dysmorphia and love itself for who it is. Perhaps with the help of some smooth words of advice from a Matthew McConaughey type. But it’s been sitting in my fridge for two months now, and it’s starting to taste like a Port.
*While googling who Camila Alves was, I discovered that an alarming number of people search for Matthew McConaughey in all caps. Who are these people? Excited and horny housewives? Bernie Sanders maybe?
A brief note on the importance of quality grapeage: Hey folks, it’s been a while. Let’s talk about grapes for a minute, shall we? They’re comfort food for me. I’ve been in the process of finding an apartment and moving over the course of the last two months, and during that time I was seriously deprived of quality grapeage. I’m talking no grapes, no wine, no little grape halves in the chicken salad. None of that shit.
You know what else has happened in the last two months? A harbinger of the apocalypse has been bought into the White House by some Neo-Nazis and possibly Russia. It’s more important now than ever to pencil some grape time into your busy schedules. Cheers.