Variety/Blend: Chardonnay/Riesling/Moscato Blend
Region: Without even looking at the bottle, I know it’s California
Recommended Pairing: Internalized misogyny
*Read with a rural midwestern drawl*
Howdy, folks. I’m coming to you this evening from my bathtub. Why you ask? Think of it as immersive journalism–method acting but for wine. Allow me to explain:
Imagine you’re a young, white woman from middle America. You’re cornfed and proud. You’ve just exercised your Gawd*-given right and voted for a candidate you believe will uphold your values at the cost of the lives and safety of minorities. And how do you celebrate? Why, the only way a God-fearin’ woman can! With a bubble bath and some wine. Specifically this wine.
One sip of this wine, and you’ll feel like you’re falling into the gaping maw in the middle of Tomi Lahren’s face. It has notes of peaches and pineapple, buttery enough to turn that downward spiral of self-hatred into a oily slip-n-slide of internalized misogyny.
What’s this really about, sweetie? You can tell me. I’m the gay best friend whose identity you’ve appropriated to make yourself feel better about being a homophobe. Is it the man you married too early? I know you felt pressure because you mistakenly believe the Bible says you can’t diddle his ding dong before marriage.
I also know you popped that pickle in the boys room at the Steak n Shake. Remember? You told me about it when you thought you were high from the cigarillo. Who are you trying to fool, babydoll? Because I think it’s just yourself.
You see, I’m the type of person who likes to get into the headspace of someone before I openly judge them**. That’s why I’m in this bathtub. To try to understand you. To try to understand this wine.
Something about this wine just isn’t clicking with me. It’s easy to drink. A little too easy. What’s it hiding? Additives? Grapes from another cuvée? Tax forms showing evidence that it’s in the pockets of a certain Russian
beefcake totalitarian President? And you just ignore that and keep drinking the wine anyway, like none of it matters to you. That’s fascinating. I think I understand now. Thank you.
**This is a complete lie.