Vinjs | Vermentino

Screenshot 2017-02-03 20.44.14.pngVariety/Blend: Vermentino
Vintage: 2015
Alcohol: 13.2%
Region: Lodi (San Joaquin County, California)
Recommended Pairing: Your grandma’s blandest pot roast.

This wine tastes like someone sucked all the pee flavor out of a medium-bodied Sauvignon Blanc. And if you’ve read that one review I did about the pee flavors in Sauvignon Blanc, you’ll understand how sad I am to see them leave.

Does this wine taste bad? Of course not. It’s wine. But it’s a wine that lacks any sort of character. It’s forgettable.

In honor of the Oscars coming up on February 26th, I thought I would do an Oscaresque* list of nominations for this most forgettable wine.

If this wine were best picture: Groundhog Day
If this wine were best animated feature film: Antz
If this wine were best actor: Tim Allen in literally anything he’s ever done
If this wine were best actress: Kristen Stewart in Snow White and the Huntsman (so forgettable that they forgot to tell her that they were making a sequel)
If this wine were best actor in a supporting roll: Kelsey Grammer in Tin Man
If this wine were best actress in a supporting roll: A tie between Cher in Burlesque and every female character in Dirty Grandpa

You know that feeling right after you orgasm, when everything that was going through your head makes you hate yourself and you’re suddenly very bored? That’s how this wine made me feel. Bored, self-loathing, and covered in quickly drying semen. Kinda like how it must have felt for a non-white actor when the 2016 Oscar nominations came out.

But the actors of color stuck it out, and 2017 is their year. These Oscars are blacker than ever, and the Nazis hate it. Maybe if I stick it out with this wine, it’ll get better. Maybe I’ll get drunk and punch a Nazi.

*This is possibly the gayest word I’ve ever typed.

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