Avalon Chard | Chardonnay

Variety/Blend: Chardonnay
Vintage: 2014
Alcohol: I’m too drunk to find it on the label… 13.8%
Region: Santa Barbara County
Recommended Pairing: A good yogic forward fold

Oaked Chardonnay is the basic white girl of the wine world. (Unoaked is a different monster altogether, but I’m saving her for another post.) But this wine is from Santa Barbara County. If you take a dumb grape and grow it in Santa Barbara County, suddenly it’s a woke grape, passing out BLM signs and protesting the DAPL.

You should dabble with this wine, but don’t start a whole relationship with it. It’s a bit of a fanatic. Sure, it’s nice to have a wine that’s chill and probably voted for Bernie in the primaries and Hillary in the GE (not that it’s any of your business), but one glass of tap water, and it’s questioning if you’re even serious about decalcifying your pineal gland.

The geography and direction of the terroirs in Santa Barbara County is unlike any other region in California. The shapes of the mountains funnel in that salty sea air that gives this wine a false and undeserved sense of the maritime lifestyle. This wine wore boat shoes in high school, even though it had never even been on a sailboat. This wine celebrates St. Patrick’s Day with pride because it’s 1/8th Irish, and it will constantly remind you that Irish people were once considered a different race because, at the end of the day, no matter how woke this wine is, it’s still an oaked Chardonnay.


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