Liberté | Pinot Noir

Variety/Blend: Pinot Noir Vintage: 2014 Alcohol: 13.5% Region: San Luis Obispo County Recommended Pairing: I Don’t Feel Like Dancing by Scissor Sisters Pinot Noir has a great reputation. Wine snobs love it. People who don’t know anything about wine love it. Titus Andromedon loves it. It’s the watered down charity drag show of wines! Don’t…

Dogajolo | Red Blend

It’s labeled as a red table wine, but this classy red blend ain’t no frumpy “pass the wine, Aunt Jo, you’ve had four glasses, and the main course hasn’t even come yet” table wine. This wine knows how to properly shave its asshole with just one mirror instead of two.

Grifone | Sangiovese

One time when I was a kid, I fell out of my grandma’s crabapple tree, and I landed in a layer of crabapple mush. This wine is what my hands smelled like after that for about a week.

Viña Zaco | Tempranillo

Let’s be real, Matthew McConaughey is too chill to be a red wine guy, but if he has ever had a red wine, it probably would have been this one. Probably while in a hammock. But probably not in Spain. And Camila Alves is just out of the shot, feeding him grapes.

The Wolftrap | Mourvèdre Blend

First appearances are important but inherently deceiving. This is true for both people and wine. This wine has secrets—dark ones, let me tell you. You might approach this wine calmly at first, but that would be a mistake. If this wine were talking to you on a dating app, the red flags should start going up after about five minutes of conversation.

Chateau St. Jean | Merlot

This wine has most of the qualities I look for in a hookup: approachable, good balance, smooth, only a little bit fruity, and good mouthfeel.

D’Arenberg | Shiraz

I love D’Arenberg the same way English majors love Dave Eggers. It’s tragic and charming and traditional and innovative all at the same time. It even has a poignant backstory. And it tastes like raspberries.

Josh Cellars | Cabernet Sauvignon

This wine is by “Josh.” Who are you Josh? Are you Tiffany’s alias? I bet Tiffany tells everyone that Josh is her childhood dog but he’s actually her ex-boyfriend. She just doesn’t want to seem to desperate. But here’s a secret, Tiff: Josh only dated you because you were lose enough to do anal.