Lois | Grüner Veltliner

I would like to formally apologize to the people of Germany for my previous post. This wine makes up for the Riesling Spätlese. Also the Holocaust was definitely worse than your wine labeling regulations.

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Chateau St. Jean | Merlot

This wine has most of the qualities I look for in a hookup: approachable, good balance, smooth, only a little bit fruity, and good mouthfeel.

Hirschbach & Söhne | Riesling

Drinking this wine made me feel like Meryl Streep in that scene from Doubt where she’s upset about ball point pens.

D’Arenberg | Shiraz

I love D’Arenberg the same way English majors love Dave Eggers. It’s tragic and charming and traditional and innovative all at the same time. It even has a poignant backstory. And it tastes like raspberries.

Rocca Sveva | Soave

Look, this wine is good, okay. But it’s kind of been a dick to me, so I have to be a dick back. It’s Soave, but it’s 100% garganega. And 100% of that garganega is tasty and stuff, but, like, come on. The Denominazione di Origine Controllata let’s you throw in some verdicchio and chardonnay without shitting its Italian cut trousers. But Rocco Sveva just chose garganega.

Kendall-Jackson Avant | Sauvignon Blanc

Hokay. There’s this term that people who “know a lot about wine” use with some white wines that usually really gets me going before I even taste a wine. Cat pee. And yes, when I smelled this wine and caught that subtle note of urine, I got a big old wine boner. But what I neglected to take into consideration was the nationality of the cat peeing into my wine.

Josh Cellars | Cabernet Sauvignon

This wine is by “Josh.” Who are you Josh? Are you Tiffany’s alias? I bet Tiffany tells everyone that Josh is her childhood dog but he’s actually her ex-boyfriend. She just doesn’t want to seem to desperate. But here’s a secret, Tiff: Josh only dated you because you were lose enough to do anal.

Nisia | Rueda Verdejo

Everything about this wine is duplicitous. It’s sweet and apple-y on the nose. But then you taste it, and suddenly it’s like BOOM: bananas and subtle stone fruit or some shit. And then just when you thought it couldn’t get weirder, it has a dry finish.